Not long ago I was afraid of fear. I’m sure that I am not free of fear now, but at least I’m able to understand fear is probably one of the most common feelings human beings go through their lives - and that is okay. It is so common that God made sure to put the phrase “don’t be afraid” 365 times in the bible. Surely God knows how we struggle with fear every single day of our lives. Some of us have the most unreasonable fears such as fear to fail exams which is what happened in my case. Maybe, we also have bigger fears like fear of being lonely, or to die. Maybe to die alone.
 
For the past two years, I have been trying to pass one of the hardest tests I have ever taken in my life: the bar exam. (Quick side note for those who don’t know what the bar exam is: it is the hardest test a lawyer takes in order to become licensed in that specific jurisdiction. It is the monster under the bed for lawyers. We all are frightened.) I’m a licensed attorney from Colombia. Passing my courses and getting licensed there wasn’t easy at all, but there is a huge difference when you are trying to get licensed in your second language with laws and concepts you are reading and understanding for the very first time. It is like playing on pro-mode of one of those video games I cannot even name. As a matter of fact, I never ever even dreamed about taking the bar. It was too much, too out of my league, to even plan about it. 

I have come to know that fears not only stop us from making our own dreams come true, but they make us undermine our own abilities, capacities, and skills.
​Because of our fears, we dream small. 

I remember like it was yesterday the day I was asked by my mentor (who was helping me to pick my master courses at my law school) if, at some point, I was going to take the bar. My only thought was, “Is she really asking me that? Of course not, I will never do it. I’m not crazy”. A year later I was paying the registration fee for the exam. Although I did pray through the decision making, I was still thinking I was crazy. I have come to know fears not only stop us from making our own dreams come true, but they make us undermine our own abilities, capacities, and skills. Because of our fears, we dream small. However, there is a God that not only knows what we are capable of, but who has bigger plans for us.
 
I knew from the beginning that I needed God to get through the test. I first prayed whether to take it or not. And believe me, sometimes I wanted to think God’s answer was a red light telling me not to go for it. It’s easier not to dream big when you know the extra work you will have to put into it to make it real. Because let’s be honest, big dreams always come with hard work and sacrifices. I, however, was willing to put in the hard work because in my heart, I knew God wanted this for me, and when I rested in that, every little piece fell into the right place at the right moment, even if it wasn’t as I thought or planned it would be.
 
But of course, there is always doubt, and what comes with doubt? Yes, fear. I am very analytical which leads me to be skeptical while trying to be realistic. I don’t really think that’s a bad quality, it just sometimes does not let me see the miracle or makes me question God the what’s and how’s of everything. Specially the how’s. How was He going to be able to help me to pass a test that thousands of people whose first language is English struggle with, if the language is one of my personal insecurities? How will I be able to manage the long study hours after 8 hours of office work? How will I be able to stay sane when all my time, energy and mind was being put into a test?  

After many days trying to find the most creative answers to all my questions, and my mind going on and on in circles, a sense of peace invaded my mind and body when I told myself that faith is to continue working towards that passing result even when I did not know exactly how I was going to do it. There are no “how’s” when you believe God is working on making a way.
 
However, I kept thinking I was beaten by my fears. After all, it was only after Peter became afraid of walking on water that he began to sink. I was Peter, and I was convinced any promise made by God to me was vanished away because I doubted. My mistake? I let my mind believe those lies.
 
Doubt made me shift the trust I had given God and made me take full control over the situation. As I spent more time thinking God was not by my side anymore, I started over-studying. I would do over 12 hours a day of reading and memorizing, repeating night and day definitions, principles and laws. I would write down words until I was sure I had the correct spelling. I ended up burning myself down. My anxiety increased as I spent more days in solitude in my room studying. The battle against those defeat thoughts seemed to be lost. I opened a way for the unreasonable fear to take over my mind.
 
I call it the unreasonable fear because I knew down deep in my heart, that even if the worst-case scenario happened, everything was going to be fine still. There are fears that work as warnings for us not to move forward. Little red lights our mind send to our bodies to protect us when some things do not look good. We need to be aware of those red lights. However, there are some unreasonable fears that are embedded in our minds because of lies that we, at some point of our lives, chose to believe; we adopted some identity that never belonged to us. I was afraid of not passing the test, most likely, because at some point of my life I told myself I needed to excel academically and professionally to be someone and to be accepted in the society. 

It won’t be easy, and it has not been easy, to let go of the identity that does not belong to me. It does take a lot of effort to work on one’s personal growth, but while I do so, I rest in the assurance that I am enough and accepted as I am. Only God knows what we all have been through, and only He knows why we are who we are now, flaws included. 
 
I had many dark days battling those thoughts away. My anxiety increased as I knew it was senseless to be afraid, but I was still afraid. I felt like giving up, but I knew if I did, I was going to regret not giving everything of me until the end. So, despite the fear, the tears, and the mental breakdown, I kept trying. Being brave is not to be fear-free – it is to keep trying despite the fear. I was aware of my fear, but I was not going to let it take control over my mind and body, nor was I going to give it the privilege of seeing me give up. 

​One of those dark days I wrote: “at the end of what I thought was a bad day, I was able to understand that it was just a different day. That was the day I needed to prove to myself that although it looks like everything was going down while my head was fighting defeat and disappointing thoughts, that it was, in fact, a good day. It was a good day because despite the tears and the exhausting fight against anxiety, I did not give up. I went back to my desk to do the reading and writing over the voices in my head telling me I was not enough. I was tempted to give up, but I did not do it. It was a good day because at the end of that day, it was me who won the battle when I refused to let the fear win. I then was able to tell those voices in my mind not to come back tomorrow because I will keep fighting them.”

​I know we all face different challenges throughout life. This might just look like a meaningless test, but I’m grateful God gave me this opportunity to challenge myself, and, of course, that He was with me at all times. I wouldn’t be able to face my fears if it wasn’t for the trust that I placed in God’s future plans for me. Again, I wish I could tell you I’m a fearless woman nowadays, but I’d be lying. This experience did help me to understand it is okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to let those fears beat us down. If there is something you are fearing right now, and you can tell it is unreasonable, do not be afraid to face it. Be, instead, grateful for how blessed you are for being challenged to deny the lies you once nested in your mind. 
 
I would be more than glad to tell you my happy ending is a passed result, but I have not gotten my results yet. However, I decided to make of this a victory already. Facing fears and not giving up while fighting them is by itself a victory already. 

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