​A Genuine Smile
Photos by CJ Murr
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Why photography? What does it mean to me?
 
When I was younger, I had really bad teeth. REALLY bad. Teeth were in front of each other, up, down, all over the place. It wasn’t a good look. I learned not to smile. Or if I smiled, it would be with a closed mouth, hiding my teeth. And I learned to NEVER take photos (of myself).
 
I’d always told myself that I had a solid self-esteem. I knew my strengths. I knew I was smart. I knew I was ambitious. I knew I was trustworthy, responsible, respectful, etc. But what I never admitted, even to myself, was that I didn’t have self-esteem in terms of my appearance. I was small, scrawny, and with a bad smile. I pretended that I didn’t care about what people thought. And I believed that I didn’t – but my actions said differently. 

​I got used to being rejected. I had friends, it wasn’t that. It was wanting a girl to like me. But so often, they would look past me to everyone else. So I subconsciously decided that I was just going to be mean and rude to girls –  the cute ones, especially. I figured if I was mean to them, I’d have a reason why they wouldn’t like me. I was rude in a sarcastic manner, because I didn’t really have a mean heart towards them. But soon, the habit stuck, and I did it with everyone. And I pushed people away, guarded my heart and emotions. And a few times, I really did hurt people emotionally. Some of them even told me that I had hurt them, but I brushed it off that they were being too emotional. I thought I was immune from being hurt. I was wrong – I already was. 

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So why photography? Well, it was in college when I started helping my friend CJ with photography. I’d hold the lights, reflectors, diffusers (I didn’t know what that was when he first told me to use it mid-shoot – hilarious story for another time, ask me about it on social media @raymondplanas!), etc.

​Then came the desert shoot. 

We did a photoshoot out in some dry lake beds in the desert. Met some great people and, after the shoot, I was talking and joking around with some of the guys. Little did I know that my friend was taking photos of us. I had gotten so used to sensing the danger of a camera pointed in my general direction, and immediately ducking for cover; my senses weren’t working that time. And the result was this photo of me. I really disliked the shirt I was wearing, but it was the first time that I thought I looked good with a smile. I had gotten braces to fix my teeth in high school, but it wasn’t until this photo, taken while I was in college, that I felt I could be confident in my smile.
 
That’s why I decided I wanted to do photography. If I could help one person get that feeling – to gain confidence in their own appearance, be proud of how God made them to be – it would be worth it for me.

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