​A Genuine Smile
Photos by CJ Murr
​
Why photography? What does it mean to me?
 
When I was younger, I had really bad teeth. REALLY bad. Teeth were in front of each other, up, down, all over the place. It wasn’t a good look. I learned not to smile. Or if I smiled, it would be with a closed mouth, hiding my teeth. And I learned to NEVER take photos (of myself).
 
I’d always told myself that I had a solid self-esteem. I knew my strengths. I knew I was smart. I knew I was ambitious. I knew I was trustworthy, responsible, respectful, etc. But what I never admitted, even to myself, was that I didn’t have self-esteem in terms of my appearance. I was small, scrawny, and with a bad smile. I pretended that I didn’t care about what people thought. And I believed that I didn’t – but my actions said differently. 

​I got used to being rejected. I had friends, it wasn’t that. It was wanting a girl to like me. But so often, they would look past me to everyone else. So I subconsciously decided that I was just going to be mean and rude to girls –  the cute ones, especially. I figured if I was mean to them, I’d have a reason why they wouldn’t like me. I was rude in a sarcastic manner, because I didn’t really have a mean heart towards them. But soon, the habit stuck, and I did it with everyone. And I pushed people away, guarded my heart and emotions. And a few times, I really did hurt people emotionally. Some of them even told me that I had hurt them, but I brushed it off that they were being too emotional. I thought I was immune from being hurt. I was wrong – I already was. 

---

So why photography? Well, it was in college when I started helping my friend CJ with photography. I thought it was a good excuse to hang out with the cute girls who were modeling. I’d hold the lights, reflectors, diffusers (I didn’t know what that was when he first told me to use it mid-shoot – hilarious story for another time, ask me about it on social media @raymondplanas!), etc. Then came the desert shoot. 

We did a photoshoot out in some dry lake beds in the desert. Met some great people and, after the shoot, I was talking and joking around with some of the guys. Little did I know that my friend was taking photos of us. I had gotten so used to sensing the danger of a camera pointed in my general direction, and immediately ducking for cover; my senses weren’t working that time. And the result was this photo of me. I really disliked the shirt I was wearing, but it was the first time that I thought I looked good with a smile. I had gotten braces to fix my teeth in high school, but it wasn’t until this photo, taken while I was in college, that I felt I could be confident in my smile.
 
That’s why I decided I wanted to do photography. If I could help one person get that feeling – to gain confidence in their own appearance, be proud of how God made them to be – it would be worth it for me.

---