How to Love Myself
​​As told by Brandon Gohres

Growing up, I had what I thought was the “picture perfect” family. My mom stayed at home and took care of my sister, two brothers, and I, while my dad worked a lot of hours in the casino industry. Despite working a lot, my dad still always made it to our activities like a performance or a sports game. We lived very comfortably.

​When I was eighteen, I went away to Chicago for college. My dreams were to be on Broadway and I went to this school seeking after that. I was devastated when I received a call that my parents were divorcing. I just couldn’t believe it. I thought everything was perfect and great. I did not see it coming at all. The divorce changed our family dramatically. Everything became mom OR dad, like it was a competition. It was challenging trying to navigate through this while also adjusting to life on my own in Chicago. 

I decided to move to California and go to a school there near L.A. to be closer to my family. I took many trips home and I began auditioning, trying to start the walk of my dream of being on Broadway, but none ever took. It was crushing. I was also in a relationship off and on that did not help either.

​Since I went home so often, I just decided to move back to Vegas, ending that relationship. I was just trying to find myself and find some solid ground I could build on. I was then granted a few gigs: Legends of Concert to name one. It reignited my dream to be on Broadway and I returned to California for the final time. I again just could not seem to land anything, but now I was beginning to see the industry for what it truly was. I saw girls going out with these producers and doing what you “had” to do to find success as a singer/producer. I did not want to be that person and decided to walk away

I returned to Vegas and I felt lost. I no longer had a dream or goal to pursue after, and failing in that dream made me think very little of myself—which I already did. I got into the casino industry and it was good money, but I realized that it would be too much to have a family with a job like this. So I did a lot of soul searching and I became aware of something, or at least stopped lying to myself about it.

​I had no self-confidence and for years I had been refusing to believe that. I was fake, dressing this way, dying my hair, and even puffing my lips up to look a certain way. Growing up in Vegas I saw these girls on these billboards and I thought I had to look like them, BE them. I lived a “plastic” life, always trying to carry whatever image I felt I had to look like. Maybe it all started around middle school when my peers made an “I Hate Riley Club.” 

---

One day I walked into a church, Central Church, and I felt right at home. I listened to the first worship song and I just burst into tears. For the first time in a really, really long time I felt like I belonged somewhere. It sounds cliché, but I really believe I was supposed to be there that day and hear the music and that message. It, I don’t know, had awoken something inside of me and I just let everything go. I knew that I could be the Riley that was buried deep down, the Riley that loved all that I was and cherished herself. That I could be, me. God showed me that nothing else mattered, what the world chases would not bring happiness. God will show you what you are supposed to be.

Taking that truth, I just prayed to God knowing that singing was not working and asked, “God, where do you want me, wherever, just tell me and I will go.” I left the casino industry and prayed for guidance and how to love myself. God definitely delivered. A friend in AVA therapy working with kids with Autism reached out and told me that I would be great for this, knowing that I was a psychology major at this point of my life. I decided to give it a try and I fell in love. I knew this is where God wanted me to be. Shortly after that, I was missing performing and being on stage and that weighed on my heart, and I ran into someone that is part of the worship music in my church. He helped me get connected and not too long after that, I found myself on a stage singing worship. I got to sing, “Falling Into You” and it was the greatest feeling ever. Just singing for God was unexplainable. There was zero pressure and it was so fulfilling. I finally found a girl that loves herself and all that she is doing.
​
I know none of this would have happened if I didn’t walk into Central that day and literally find God. Since that day, I have never looked back. I haven’t even missed a Sunday except maybe one or two. He even brought a man into my life whom is just wonderful. I have now finished my degree and am going to move across the country to pursue my dreams. I’m getting my master’s from Virginia Tech and will continue working therapy with children. I know now that God will take care of me, wherever my journey will lead me. 

---